The waiting

So I wrote previously about the long middle (which I am still in). Today I found out the evidential report I need to be released, in order to start my defence, has been delayed by another two months; and this is after it had already been delayed by nine months.

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After waiting nine months with an indication that the report would be released, and then waiting beyond its original intended release date, I get told "no, it’s now going to be another two months. Maybe." The maybe is important.

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Another two months of waiting, of silence, of nothing, of endless hours, of punishment without trial. My bail conditions are quite restrictive and, at this point, feel more punitive than safeguarding. I’m angry. More than angry; it’s more like a blind rage that I have no genuine outlet for.

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Systems, and people within systems, seem to be able to do what they want to you, and there is genuinely nothing you can do about it. Your human rights can be infringed, and that sounds serious. We all believe that laws governing our rights protect us. In reality, they’re pretty words said through prison bars. They mean nothing because there’s no one to enforce them. To activate your rights, you need the time, money, resources, and emotional energy to have them enforced, and even then you could lose.

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Meanwhile, my family suffer and my life suffers. There will be no redress for me, no matter what I attempt. No reversal of scrutiny, no accountability; it’s just endless futility.

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This is a low moment in the season, and one that most going through this will likely face in some form or another. So I can’t end this there, can I? That’s a pretty depressing place to finish any piece of writing. I can’t promise a happy ending; after all, I have no idea how this will end. All I know as I write this today is that the conclusion has been extended indefinitely.

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It’s frustrating mainly because it’s another thing you have no control over. During this season, everything in your life is in the hands of people you don’t know and who do not know you. That lack of autonomy and incredible uncertainty is destabilising for the best of us. Then something new happens, a deadline is missed or pushed further into the future, and you are reminded of how much of your self-determination has been taken away from you.

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I wish I could end this with lots of positive steps, but until you reach the end of this, the positives are limited. I’ve said this before in another blog, but I’ll say it again: despite all this, just concentrate on the things you can control. The hobbies you can undertake, the time you can spend with friends and loved ones. Concentrate on your health and wellbeing, and walk or exercise where you can.

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Remember, no matter what anyone says, you are not your worst moments.