Not a monster, a mum

Navigating being both a mother and a person who has been convicted of a sexual offence is complex and challenging.

I’m the mum of two exceptional children. My daughter is clever and caring and strong and brave. My bonus-son (my husband’s son) is loving and funny and gentle and kind. I love them with every fibre of my being.

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The problem is, no matter what I do, I know that just by being their mum, I’m going to cause them pain.

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I have a conviction for a sexual offence. 12 years ago, I was arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old school pupil.  One day, they’re going to learn to type things into internet search engines and they’re going see my name emblazoned across tabloids: “Eppie Sprung: Sex Offender”.

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Their friends are going to talk about it behind their backs. People are going to ostracise them. They’ll probably question who I really am and whether the feelings of safety I instil in them are actually some sort of lie. Society will tell them I’m a monster.

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The long, long shadow of the poor choices I made back then will likely continue to impact on my children long into adulthood.  

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I realised, long before my daughter was even conceived, that I was going to have to handle talking to my children about my conviction very carefully. I was an English teacher and so, inspired by stories like “Badger’s Parting Gifts” (a beautiful story about grief) and “Nursies When the Sun Shines”(a wonderfully illustrated story about night weaning a breastfed child), the very first thing I did was look for story books that would help me to have this conversation. I wanted to find a book that would let me draw parallels with the characters and provide me with some age-appropriate language. (Don’t even get me started on how on earth you find the age-appropriate words to tell a 4-year-old that you were caught having sex in a car!)

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I found wonderful books aimed at children with a parent in prison and books for children who have seen a parent be arrested but nothing that suited my circumstances.

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So, I put pen to paper and “Here, with you” is my attempt to fill that gap. The story centres around the conversation between two bears (a parent and a child), in which the parent tells the child about choices from their past that are still impacting on their lives today.  The child asks questions and the parent answers as best they can.

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The book is stunningly illustrated by watercolour artist, Cathy Van Hoppe, and her paintings bring the relationship between the two characters to life.

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My own conversations with my children began long before the book was finalised. I took advice from play therapists, educational psychologists and practitioners and the overwhelming message was - don’t lie.  The damage will come from the things that are hidden rather than the things that are shared in the open.

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When the children were 3, we used a story book about a teddy bear being arrested to introduce the fact that I had been arrested in the past. Aged 4, my daughter asked what I’d been arrested for, out of the blue, whilst we were at an Italian restaurant on holiday in Malta! The older they get, the more detailed the questions are becoming and I am following the approach of answering everything they ask in the most age-appropriate terms I can manage, with no lies and no pretence.  

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It's far from simple, though, and I’ve absolutely no idea whether I’m getting it right or not. All I can do is try my best and hope that the deep and secure attachment I have with both children will ride out the waves that will surely come.

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“Here, with you” isn’t a magic wand. It doesn’t make the conversations any less painful. However, with an estimated 12.5 million people in the UK having a criminal record and an unquantifiable number of people on top of that with something from their past that still casts a shadow over their lives today, it is my hope that this book will help people to deal with what are complex yet crucial conversations to have with their children; grounded in love, openness and compassion.

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In 2022, I founded Next Chapter Scotland; a charity supporting people to navigate the stigma and discrimination that people can face as a result of involvement with the criminal justice system. Any profits from the sale of the book will be used to supply free copies to organisations supporting parents who might benefit from the book. Any additional surplus will be donated to Next Chapter Scotland SCIO (SC052899).

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More information can be found on the “Here, with you” website: www.herewithyoubook.co.uk

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